Missing

I hate Volkswagen commercials. You know the ones where people are driving along, not paying attention, and then all of a sudden - BAM. The first time I saw one was right after I got back to Chicago, about two weeks after Katie died. I had to scramble to change the channel every time one came on, and they were all over the place back then. But you get to a point where you recognize the camera work and can get it off the screen before anyone crashes. I hate when I'm sitting in my parents' house and we're watching 1 vs. 100 or something equally stupid and one of these ads comes on, and everyone in the family is screaming "turn it off!" and we're trying to find the remote.

I hate not having someone to talk to on my way home from work every day. That made me start smoking again for a while, but I quit (again.)

I hate the times I sit and think about what could have been. I feel cheated out of nieces and nephews, and a brother-in-law with a good sense of humor who could have put up with her mouth. Now all I have are pictures and letters, and the rest of my life looming without her. It's still so hard to process, that it's been almost one year without my sister. Sometimes I get bewildered, thinking how can I possibly do all this EVERYTHING without her? How can life just go on? Not fair not fair.